Day 140: The Project Is 90% Sold Out...

...and I'm feeling pretty useless around here.

Askar dari Malaysia.

7/29/11 - 140 days without sale

I've resorted to taking minutes of the meetings that we have around here and posting them on Facebook so that it seems like I'm doing work.

It seems to be appreciated but at the end of the day, the bosses in sales don't really give a fuck and a half about how you get your sales as long as they are there.


"You have a quota, boy!"

"I know ma'am."

"Remember, in sales, all that matter are results. Give me results!"

"Yes ma'am."

And that's that.

Sale or death.

I got myself a haircut yesterday (now I look like the douchebag I'm supposed to be) because new boss battle wants pictures of us so that he can put up an organizational chart in the office somewhere.

Just so you have an idea as to what's going on, here's kinda what the chart looks like.

Jesus

|

Super Big Boss Battle

|

Big Boss Battle

|

Boss Battle

|

Boss

|

n00b

-nothing follows-

My name is #0019

I. AM. N00B!

And my new haircut makes me look swanky.

The past week has seen a good number of Malaysians take a look at this little blog.

Apa khabar, pa?

Anda mau membeli kondo?

Apa itu? Tidak mau?

Menangis.

Day 75: I'm Not Dead

I'm still here. But I get the feeling that my life in real estate sales is on life support.

Day 61: A Longer Post Chronicling Longer Day

0812hrs. Stuck at the showroom today manning the front desk. Nothing is really going to happen so, here's a longer journal entry.

0815hrs. Time to prepare coffee.

0847hrs. Somebody walked in and asked about the condos. Nobody else was at the front desk so I smiled the widest (insert name of reputable real estate development company here) smile I could.

Qualifying is important.

"I'm actually looking for a condo on behalf of my aunt"

The person that came in isn't the final decision maker.

1000hrs. I'm hungry. Nobody's coming in.

1128hrs. Lunch time. Chinese food. Again. I have to be back at the office at around lunch time so the guy I'm manning with gets to have some food too.

1228hrs. Back. Doing nothing. Let's play some Starcraft.

1328hrs. I'm waiting for a potential buyer. He said he'd visit the showroom today. So pumped.

This could be it.

Operation wild mangosteen plantation steal, here we come!

Emailed the Russians. They haven't gotten back to me. Could be because I'm saying too much.

1519hrs. Still waiting.

1635hrs. Waiting.

Helped the teammate I like the least not look like an idiot.

I should have taken that client.

1700hrs. My shift is officially over. Still waiting.

And waiting.

1800hrs. Waiting.

Assisted a broker.

1900hrs. Waiting. Playing Starcraft. Waiting.

2000hrs. You get the point.

2045hrs. Fuck it. Headed home.

An unintentional 13 hour shift.

Not getting paid anything extra.

2125hrs. The potential buyer didn't show up.

At least he had the decency to inform me.

At 9 in the evening.

2148hrs. Fuck. I have to send out sample computations.

Cramming time.

Its like college all over again.

Day 54: An Explanation

05/04/11 - 54 days without sale

If my day sucks, I'm less inclined to write here.

But then again, if my day is absolutely shitfuckingtacular (my word for suck-fest worse than total and absolute suckage), I write a whole lot.

Did I just fry your brain?

Good.

Day 50: Recovery

04/30/11 - 50 days without sale

Did 13 hours yesterday.

Got out of the office at 1700hrs.

Then did booth work from 2200 - 0230 the next day.

The 5 hours in between was to prepare.

Spent most of today in bed recovering and watching Starcraft.

Day 48: Nothing Really Happens Here

04/28/11 - 48 days without sale

0653hrs. The boss called for a meeting at 0900hrs. Probably going to talk to us about how we are always late or never clock in at the end of the day.

0937hrs. Meeting time. Yeah. Fucked. Like Mario says, here we go.




And after the meeting, nothing really happened.

So here's nothing.

Yep.

Nothing.

I want pizza.

2103hrs. Big boss called for a meeting at 0900hrs tomorrow.

Poop.

Day 47: Same Shit, Brand New Day

04/27/11 - 47 days without sale

Borrowed from www.theblogofrecord.com

0816hrs. Welcome back to the workplace, I tell myself after the smashing un-success that was project undisclosed project project in a Muslim country somewhere in the world.

I'm Late.

I feel my job security slowly slipping away being one of the few people in this place with no sale after a month.

0921hrs. Followed up some of the people that inquired earlier this month.

Also working on the deal with the Russians and hopefully getting to make contact with the Japanese.

Then the Koreans.

Then the universe.

Yep, I'm a regular citizen of the world, aren't I?

1126hrs. With the advent of the global economy and the proliferation of the internet, the scope and means of the modern salesperson with a strong international background ought to be massively massive. Like WoW, only in 3D.

We're meant to capitalize on web 2.0 and the benefits one can derive from the metaphorically smaller world.

I'm still broke as shit.

Lunch time.

1432hrs. Got the briefing for a new mission. Operation wild mangosteen plantation steal. Trust me, this would be funnier if I could explain it.

But at the risk of risking the integrity of (insert name of reputable development company here at your convenience), all I can say is that this involves a condo and some wild mangosteen.

Sounds like a party.

1804hrs. After the whole fiasco from yesterday (link here), I've been slowly losing interest in the work that I do. I'm second guessing myself. I hate doing that.

Maybe things will get better if I fight for the aforementioned sale and end up winning.

In theory, I guess I still love what I do but when it comes down to practice, is this a hazard of the job?

I guess so.

Chin up.

Where does #0019 end and I begin?

Is this my slow descent into insanity?

You get to see it unfold on the blog.

Lucky you.

Day 37

04/12/11 - 37 days without sale

Maintaining strict radio silence as required by project undisclosed project project.

You didn't hear that from me.

What's that?

You didn't hear what from whom?

Nobody?

Good.

Day 34

04/09/11 - 34 days without sale

Walking in

1229hrs. I get to go into the trenches at 1500hrs today. More sleep.

1518hrs. At the showroom. Open house today. This means a lot of brokers and agents and the such. We mere in-house people don't stand a chance.




2029hrs. I was just given a briefing by the sales head on project undisclosed project. For a briefing, it was pretty long. So much paperwork to be taken into consideration. A checklist for this, a checklist for that, and a checklist to make sure the checklists have been checked. For an undisclosed project project, there's an awful lot being told to me.

Apparently, I have to close a fuckshitload of deals. Or else.

That's all I can say.

When the classified is declassified, I will disclose the undesclosed to you, dear reader.

2118hrs. I think I can sneak out of the office.

2119hrs. Shhh.

2200hrs. Project undisclosed project is a go. T-minus 4 days.

I sound so pro.

Day 33

04/08/11 - 33 days without sale.

Pop culture reference!

0724hrs. Not feeling too well. But I have to prepare for negotiations with the Russians.

I think I may have said too much.

1814hrs. Yeah. Kinda sick. My stomach.

I think I may have said too much.

Day 32

04/07/11 - 32 days without sale

Golden Boys

So it looks pro, I encourage everybody to abbreviate this blog to TVLH. 

0914hrs. Team lead still hasn't arrived yet. I'm inspired to work.

I have no idea what we're going to do today. Probably field.

I received an email from big boss battle regarding a mission in an undisclosed place slated for an undisclosed time with an undisclosed number of operatives operating in the undisclosed operation.


I'm being considered for and undisclosed position in the undisclosed operation because of my undisclosed wealth of undisclosed knowledge of the undisclosed location that they refuse to disclose.

All I know is that it doesn't involve the Russians.

I think I may have said too much.

Buy air now and get a condo for free! (in two or so years)

1124hrs. So. Hungry. Yeah. Let's have lunch. Lunch is good.

1326hrs. Meeting with undisclosed party (is it the Russians or big boss battle? The plot thickens.)

1638hrs. Just got back from the meeting.

Team got into trouble because a client wasn't entertained properly. I wasn't there at the time but I'm still somehow involved. That's the way shit goes down in the real world apparently. If I were there, I would have entertained the shit out of that orphan. A song and dance number with fireworks and acrobatic contortionist elephants. I would have done that. Really.

1730hrs. Home. Coffee. Starcraft. Congratulations to Moletrap for his GSL gig.

Waiting for Nuke the Stars to release another video.

1800hrs. Sample computation time. As a sales person, one needs to know the numbers like nothing else. Its what everybody asks. I'd like to think I have it down. The numbers. Damn the numbers.

*cringe*

My laptop is my weapon and Microsoft Office is my ammo.

1825hrs. So numb. Nothing witty to say.

Ten points to anyone that says something funny.

Until next time.

Excelsior.

Day 31

05/06/11 - 31 days without sale

Russian soldiers in Hungary
Courtesy of UCLA

0702hrs. Our team lead sent us an email saying that we all have to meet this morning. Apparently, there are "issues to be discussed". I hate it when people say that kind of thing.

Today marks the 31st day I joined up fighting this pointless battle.

I feel like Alan Alda. 10 points to anyone that gets the reference.


1029hrs. Morning briefing just ended. The issues discussed are about who gets credit and commission for the sales that come in given some of the things that went down yesterday. In this business, I guess ground rules really do have to be laid down. Especially if there's more than one team in competition.

Not that any of it really applies to little old sale-less me.

In the field again today. Which means I'm gonna keep on getting a steady stream of nos and get the fuck away from mes. I'll get used to constant rejection.

I promise.

Do you accept the promise? (Think of your answer very carefully).

1321hrs. Just met with some Russians.

I think I may have said too much.

2034hrs. The computer is being slow. I'd write out a lot more but even my trusty computer thinks sales people aren't worth the time.

Fuck you technology.

Fuck you.

2054hrs. I hope this manages to get posted and the world will be able to read my story.

Day 30

04/05/11 - 30 days without sale

To counteract the boredom,
a picture with landscape dimensions

0714hrs. There is an event today for the sellers of (insert name of reputable development company here at your convenience). Not looking forward to that.

Not looking forward to to that boring affair at all.



I'll say I have a client meeting and disappear.

Shoutout to the fine men and women holding the front in Singapore. How is it there? Has there really been an increase of 3-5% in rentals this first quarter of 2011?

1543hrs. I actually have to be there for the event.

Fuck.

Stepped into the office. All the action is going on here. There is dissent in the ranks. Another turf war as to who gets the commissions and credit for the sale.

I shouldn't be listening in but the back and forth is fascinating. They're saying the same things over and over and over again.

"I assisted"
"But I followed up"
"But I assisted"
"But I followed up"
"But I assisted"
"But I followed up"
"But I assisted"

ad infinitum.

Scrap that. Its pretty boring as well.

1712hrs. The goddamned thing is finally over (both the event and the little skirmish in the office).

1700hrs. Why did I enlist again?

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!?

*Pumps fist in the air*

The neighbors are looking at me funny.

I blush.

Day 29

04/04/11 - 29 days without sale

Douglas MacArthur
Biggest boss ever
knowledgerush.com

0729hrs. To those who play starcraft, coffee is a stim pack. Two shots. I'm so pumped. Let's go. We can do this. Make that sale.

0850hrs. Our sales head came in from the head office. So fucked. So so fucked. There goes the pumped-ness.

0915hrs. Meeting with the big boss battle guy. So so so fucked.

1013hrs. I need to talk to 200 prospects to close 1 sale. So so so so fucked. Apparently I lack confidence.



 
So now I'm pissed off. I want to punch a cow.

Sales head is pissed is region head gets the shit.

Region head passes the shit to the team lead.

Team lead passes the shit to us.

Mom is pissed at the iphone 4 so I get the shit.

Dad is pissed on the road so I get the shit.

My girlfriend is pissed so I get the shit.

2118hrs. Off to find a cow.

Day 28

04/03/11 - 28 days later

Lego Zombies!
Taken from appius95's photostream
Click the photo to see his Flickr.

I am a zombie.

Hear me groan.

I will now dub day 27 the lost day.







Day 27 is the lost day.

Nobody will know what happened then. It will be lost to time and the world will have to go on living not knowing what happened on #0019's 27th day with the company.

But nobody really gives a shit, right?

1155hrs. Sunday is rest day but some members of the team were assigned to be in the showroom today. Pushy new guy tried to get me to cover for him. On a Sunday.

No.

My Sunday is mine.

Because the whole sales thing hasn't been going my way as of late, something completely different.

1927hrs. My little workstation at home has a view of some of the other houses in our area and when I have downtime, I look at the neighbors in the houses across the street. Very "Rear Window", I know.

Anyway, this rich Korean family lives across the street and one of their daughters or nieces or whatever came to the country to learn how to speak English. Now it looks like she's fallen in love with the gardener, who I was able to gether from asking around, has a girlfriend he's living in with somewhere. Weird considering she fell in love with the last gardener they hired (he was fired because her parents didn't like the idea. And yes, he also had a girlfriend with whom he shared a living space with).

I should sell that girl a condo. She might be able to use it.

More details on that as they come.

Still no sale.

Day 26

04/01/11 - 0 days without sale

Wall Street after
the end of WW2

SALE!

FUCK YEAH!

FAME AND FUCKING FORTUNE HERE I COME!

April fools.

I'm still broke as shit.

You probably saw that coming.





Let's start again.

04/01/11 - 26 days without sale

Stuck at the showroom until 2200hrs.

Fuck.

I apoogize wholeheartedly and unreservedly for having resorted to foul language and an April fools joke at an (arguably feeble) attempt at humour.

Day 25

03/31/11 - 25 days without sale

BUY A CONDO!

0740hrs. I don't want to go out into the field today. There's nothing out there for me. Nothing. I just want to sleep.

1327hrs. I'm supposed to be in the field today but since I'm afraid of rejection, I'm at home having coffee.

Nowhere to go. Nobody to meet. I wanna be sedated.

Ten points to people that got the reference.

Gather points and win my calling card.


But for the cause, I will go out into the field and find me some clients. I must do this. It is my duty. To the company. To my country (damned income tax). To the two dogs I have to feed. 

With some clever math, the price of a condo can look like the price of a condom.

Here's the breakdown.

---

Warning: Math ahead.

(All figures in US dollars unless otherwise stated)

70,000 dollars/15 years to pay = 4,667 dollars per year

4,667 dollars/12 months a year = 389 dollars per month

389 dollars/30 days in a month = 13 dollars per day

13 dollars/35 square meters = 40 cents per squar meter per day

(To the guy from Estonia that checked out the blog, I don't know if this is the right thing to say buy congratulations on the whole Eurozone thing earlier this year. Now I don't have to compute for kroon as well.)

Own a condo for as low as 40 cents!
Own a condo for as low as 50 (Singapore) cents!
Own a condo for as low as 28 euro cents!
Own a condo for as low as 18 (Philippine) pesos!
Own a condo for as low as 40 (Australian) cents!
Own a condo for as low as a 25 pence!

By having daily unprotected sex for the next 15 years, you too can own a condo!

A condom a day?

A condo for life.

Day 24

03/30/11 - 24 days without sale

Courtesy of Corbis

0700hrs. Gearing up for the dreaded 13 hour shift. It happened before and its gonna happen again. It's gonna be awful.

Got my payslip today. I was paid for 15 days of work.

03/30/11 - 15 days without sale.



0859hrs. Slow start. I made a Twitter.

http://twitter.com/VeryLongestHour

Follow me.

---

This

    space

        represents

             the

                 time

                     I'm

                         spending

                             at

                                 our

                                     little

                                         booth

                                             in

                                                 the

                                                     mall

---

1941hrs. Managed to wiggle out of the booth early. Gave out flyers non stop. I hope they call and buy condos.

Gonna be serious for a while because I need to let this out.

So yeah, breaking character.

If there's one thing that work in sales is supposed to teach you, its humility.

I was at the mall earlier being as friendly as possible handing out flyers to people that passed by. High energy. Trying to do the whole beacon of light thing in an otherwise sick and dark world.

Then I came to my last flyer. Make it count. I saw this middle aged lady in corporate looking attire. Well made up. Wearing pearl earrings. Looked to be with her youngest daughter. Looked to be in a bit of a hurry so I wouldn't be able to have a little chat with her. But walking at a moderate enough pace such that she would accept the flyer.

I smiled and handed her a flyer.

"And if you have any more questions, my number is right here."

I pointed to my number on the flyer.

You probably have a vague idea as to what's coming next but I'll recount anyway.

After handing out that last flyer, I went out for a smoke. I saw the lady on the other side of the waiting area. She still had the flyer in her hand. Then, as her ride approached, she took a nervous look around, dropped the flyer on the floor, and stepped into the car pretending that she hadn't just littered.

It was funny because she looked just as guilty as a guy in the elevator that farted trying to look cool.

Heartbreaking, yes.

But you win some, you lose some.

It was the only one of my flyers that wasn't thrown on the ground. That's a good thing. I took a quick peek into the garbage cans, no flyers in there. At least the rest of them made it out of the mall.

It just sucks that I happened to see my last flyer littered. At least have the decency to throw it in the trash. Let the flyer die with honor.

Oh well. Here's to hoping somebody picks it up off the ground and gives me a call.

Not gonna fall back into character anymore.

Ending on a serious note is cool sometimes.

Thanks so much for your time and I hope to hear from you soon.

Day 23

03/29/11 - 23 days without sale

Not me.
Courtesy of nswiki.net.

1117hrs. I'm starting to write this entry a little bit late today because the biggest boss of bosses [in this area (she still answers to a higher authority)] called for a meeting regarding our performance as a team. She says we suck. We suck really bad.

Apparently I lack confidence. I'm pretty confident. Look at me.

A full day stuck in the showroom awaits.

1550hrs. There's no privacy in this place. Twenty of us have to share five computers. So I bring my trusty laptop. But everybody uses it to check their facebook. I should install a keylogger to see what they type. Should be revealing.

Its hard to write with people looking over my shoulder.

Time to trudge through the internet and say that I'm prospecting. Hello readers. Want to buy a condo?

1736hrs. Idiots sitting next to me don't know how to google search. How to unblock an excel file. How to enable popups for google chrome. What color is an opal. How to make a word document landscpae. Its all on the internet. Searching for "how to unblock an excel file" will not lead you to a porn site. I promise.

I'm defacto tech support here.

Not bad for a liberal arts student.

1812hrs. Yeah. I'm still at the office. The boss is telling us to go the extra mile and stay beyond office hours in the hopes that somebody ends up walking in an taking a look around.

Then BAM! Closed.

Mr. Prospect won't know what hit him. Like a mortar to the nuts.

1900hrs. Home. Food. Tired.

2020hrs. Gonna prepare for what looks to be a 13 hour shift tomrorrow.

Good times.

Yeah.

Day 22

03/28/11 - 22 days without sale

WW1 soldier peering out into
no man's land
Courtesy of The Daily Mail.

0636hrs. I had a splitting headache last night and wasn't able to sleep until sunrise-ish. Let's see how well I do with an hour and a half of sleep.

0725hrs. On my second cup of coffee for the morning. I'll probably have another one when I get to work. Coffee is the breakfast of heroes from the free world. Tea is also pretty good. Can't forget the brave men and women over in Great Britain. And the folks over in Hong Kong where apparently they have their tea iced. Can't forget them.

你好! 我唔識講廣東話. Really. I don't.

As per the advice of sales guru Tom Hopkins, I looked in the mirror and said to myself, "I will close a sale today because I am a great salesman! Nothing and nobody is gonna bring me down!"

I'm getting fat.

0943hrs. I think youtube may have been blocked by the bosses over here. Now what am I supposed to do at the office? I tried to post an ad on an online classifieds page. It was denied. When the internet says no to you, you know that something is wrong. Its almost like being a salesperson is tantamount to being a people repellent. I will try to smell better tomorrow.

1445hrs. Client came in. Particularly stressful. Don't want to talk about it. Not the venue for angry rants. That's what talking to my dogs is for.

Out for a smoke.

1525hrs. I want to go home.

1613hrs. The boss kicking me out of the office. Apparently I should be in the field. What do I do with nowhere to go? A lot of my prospecting is done on the internet or over the cellphone. Maybe I should consider the whole punching somebody in the face thing. That seems viable. Or I could hang out at a coffee shop and watch people walk by.

1726hrs. Home.

So tired.

Falling aslee